when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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