The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
