Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
