I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
