My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
