I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
