you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
