Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
