i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
