Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
