Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
