I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
