At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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