no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
