I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
