She is in my trunk
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
