Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
