my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
