Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
