I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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