i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
