ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
4 words: hood of his car
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
bring money and cleavage
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
