I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
