I wanna bring you to show and tell
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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