I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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