You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
