We named our party play list daddy issues
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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