I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
handjob tips. give me some.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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