you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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