You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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