Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
