I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
