I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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