I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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