I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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