im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
