hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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