His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
