You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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