Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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