My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
