Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
