Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
