based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
