9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
