I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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