I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
