So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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