so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
