I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
