New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We're too hungover to prance.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
