Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
