How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
