I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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