I think i sorta joined a cult last night
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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