When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
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I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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